this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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