Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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