You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
