You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
