Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize