so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize