the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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