just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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