my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
