New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
