Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
