please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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