Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
