if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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