Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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