I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the day after is always just damage control
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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