Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I sprained my soul last night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Text me some of your sweat
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