Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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