You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
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