dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
