i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
