My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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