i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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