don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
