so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize