there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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