Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
