I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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