Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
