I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
