my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
