just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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