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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
