True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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