everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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