My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
