Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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