you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
