things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
