I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
