There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
