You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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