You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
