dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
