I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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