Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were trust falling into bushes
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