you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
