Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
