I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
