if i can run in heels then i can drive
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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