i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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