The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
