insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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