my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
