I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
