So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
