I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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