we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
