Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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