I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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