My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
